What Healing ACTUALLY looks like

I’m writing this to you from the bathtub on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, with all the windows open and a gorgeous crisp breeze flowing through the apartment.  

It’s a welcome break from the heat, but little hints of autumn always come with a sense of grief as well as the relief for me, because I’m absolutely a jersey shore summer trash queen at heart no matter where in the world I am, but also because I love the creative, confident and playful energy that Leo season brings this time of year. 

This past week we got a (somewhat chaotic) full moon in Leo’s opposite, Aquarius, which may have brought some old shit to the surface for rehashing and releasing.  Look to what was happening in your life earlier this February at the new moon in Aquarius to get a sense of what may be coming up for deeper healing at this time, as well what house Aquarius falls in for your birth chart (need help with that? Let me know!)

As for me, I’ve noticed a LOT of old childhood wounds (Leo’s playfulness always brings me back to childhood) coming back up for rehashing and releasing, which has kind of been the energy of my whole year tbh.  Most of you probably know by now that my word for 2022 was REST (I intuitively chose this during Q4 of 2021) which has historically been a challenge for me.  I often struggle to really, truly, allow myself to rest without constantly berating myself for not being productive or not being of service, which is deeply rooted in my childhood experience and then was perpetuated by my 20’s.  

I’ve continuously equated my sense of identity, my worth, and my value with what I am able to provide for other people at all times. And even though I’ve been deconstructing this for years it’s still comes to the surface, especially when I’m feeling sick or really need a rest.

Now here’s what’s interesting about all of this.  In carving out more space for rest and openness this year, MORE of my shit is coming to the surface for healing.  Which is super fucking frustrating right?  Like, can a girl catch a break?

But what I’m realizing is that this year is the first time I actually have ENOUGH space to go this deep into my inner healing.  I am in a loving, secure relationship with a man who can hold space for my emotions and encourages me to show up as my full self always.  I am no longer at a 9-5 that takes up most of my waking hours while running a business.  I’m not jetting back and forth across the country and staying super busy with travel.  I have set better boundaries (though, it’s something I’m still working on tbh) around what I’m able to provide to people in my life.  I’m working with an awesome therapist.  I have more help in my day to day life and business.  

All that to say, I suddenly have a little more open time to myself.  Even though I still struggle with that work-life balance, it’s more space than I’ve ever had before, and it’s a hell of a lot of time with me and my inner thoughts.

Which, subsequently, means I suddenly have the space to process shit that has been lingering for decades.  Because now I have the time and space and safety to do so, where previously I would have a packed schedule and a million other things to attend to, or didn’t have the tools or support to really go deep.  And that type of messy ass healing is exhausting AF, which is why so much of my attention goes back to getting more rest. 

I got a little mini version of that this past week with the Aquarius full moon bringing old wounds to the surface, while also fighting off a lingering cold that had me couch bound watching trash TV for a few days (it’s been a minute since I’ve given myself the time/space to do that!)  This combo meant I was doing some BIG releasing and BIG resting, both were essential for me. 

All of this to say, don’t be discouraged if you feel like allowing yourself to rest actually makes you MORE tired sometimes.  Instead ask, how can you lean in even more?  How can you create more support and space?  How can you allow for those deep wounds to be processed and released?

And then, maybe go take a nap. 

Healing takes time. It’s an ongoing process that will have ebbs and flows just like the waves of the ocean at the beach. Give yourself lots of love and grace through it all, knowing that all of this is actually what allows you to then be of service in a sustainable way.

Sending love to you all!